A year later

It has been over a year since the last time I updated my blog, it seems. Now, I am in my second relationship, with an older guy. He is Japanese, a bit cheeky, a bit cool and a bit cute. But sometimes he can get super annoying, which I've never told him. This cheeky guy rarely text me first, and usually end the conversation in the middle of the talk, by suddenly disappearing. He has a really close, long-term (girl)friend that once I saw them together at Worldsquare, buying hotstar chicken on a Friday night. They did not hold hands or anything but clearly, they are super close, like I could've seen the invisible bond. I saw him holding his phone, but he did not reply to the text I sent a while ago. I don't know if he saw me or not, he did look over to my side, but apparently he did not notice me, or so he told me. Then, he walked pass me, right in front of my eyes, like I am air. Well, may be it's true, he did not recognize that I was there but still, my heart ached like crazy. It was so painful I could not breathe. Everyone decided to go after him and "accidentally" bump into them. I didn't really care anymore, I let them go after him and his friend, while I walked slowly behind them. When I lost sight of them, I didn't stop nor call them, i just kept walking like a lost person, with my eyes opened wide. I don't know what I suppose to feel, to react, my mind went blank. I turned off the sound of my phone and kept walking without knowing where I was heading to. 

I don't know what was going on in my heart and head. Even if I trust him that there's nothing wrong going on between the two of them, my heart still couldn't take it. Seeing him looking happy next to another girl, even if it's his bestie, i still couldn't deal with this. I hate to admit  this but I've always been the jealousy type, I have no problem with my man enjoy his time with his friends and dealing business with people from the opposite sex, but just him with another girl? I can't stand the idea! Like, I don't know if i should get upset or being sobbing... It's so hatd to describe how I felt, like my heart was beating like crazy and it ached every single time. It's not like I would stop him from doing whatever he likes, it's his life after all, but when he has time, he chooses to not spend it with me but with someone else... That thinking hurt me. It somehow made me feel... Cheated. It's a terrifying feeling. Usually, I would get tearing so quickly, but this time, my hands were shaking. My legs were shaking. My heart too was shaking. I was  really scared, scared to face him. My first thought was running away. The feeling of facing him and looking at the two of them together make me going crazy... And a bit sick. That's sound so wrong, but that was how I felt. I could not share with anyone my deep feeling because everyone of them has already warned me. My tears were about to overflow while I was taking a stroll, but I restraint from crying in public, cause I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I could barely breathe, felt like somebody were choking me. After a long walk, I went back to my friends and we went home. 

Then I realized even without my existence, he still lives a great life. I feel like he only comes to me when he needs me for a sexual experience. I enjoyed my time when I was with him. But now, look, he is not busy, and his phone has no problem, still he never text me. Not even when I texted him first. If he cares so much about me, he would have gone crazy like my mom said how my dad did for not being able to contact my mom, when they were still in love. He has never been like that, at least for all I've known. It has always been me, who went crazy when he never contact me. My existence has never seem like a big deal to him, at least that's how I felt. When I was sick, he never knew, he did not even replied to my texts. When I called, unless it was a planned call, he wouldn't pick up the phone. What's that all about? Does he even respect me? Or I seem too easy to toy with? He said to me that "I would never hurt you", well unfortunately, you already did. Not once, not twice but constantly. I don't care about money, yes. I only care about him, because I feel like I can trust him and that I would feel safe, loved and respected when I am with him. May be, I was wrong. What would he do, if I vanished from his life? I guess if he care enough, he can easily find me. It's just that does he really cares?