A year later

It has been over a year since the last time I updated my blog, it seems. Now, I am in my second relationship, with an older guy. He is Japanese, a bit cheeky, a bit cool and a bit cute. But sometimes he can get super annoying, which I've never told him. This cheeky guy rarely text me first, and usually end the conversation in the middle of the talk, by suddenly disappearing. He has a really close, long-term (girl)friend that once I saw them together at Worldsquare, buying hotstar chicken on a Friday night. They did not hold hands or anything but clearly, they are super close, like I could've seen the invisible bond. I saw him holding his phone, but he did not reply to the text I sent a while ago. I don't know if he saw me or not, he did look over to my side, but apparently he did not notice me, or so he told me. Then, he walked pass me, right in front of my eyes, like I am air. Well, may be it's true, he did not recognize that I was there but still, my heart ached like crazy. It was so painful I could not breathe. Everyone decided to go after him and "accidentally" bump into them. I didn't really care anymore, I let them go after him and his friend, while I walked slowly behind them. When I lost sight of them, I didn't stop nor call them, i just kept walking like a lost person, with my eyes opened wide. I don't know what I suppose to feel, to react, my mind went blank. I turned off the sound of my phone and kept walking without knowing where I was heading to. 

I don't know what was going on in my heart and head. Even if I trust him that there's nothing wrong going on between the two of them, my heart still couldn't take it. Seeing him looking happy next to another girl, even if it's his bestie, i still couldn't deal with this. I hate to admit  this but I've always been the jealousy type, I have no problem with my man enjoy his time with his friends and dealing business with people from the opposite sex, but just him with another girl? I can't stand the idea! Like, I don't know if i should get upset or being sobbing... It's so hatd to describe how I felt, like my heart was beating like crazy and it ached every single time. It's not like I would stop him from doing whatever he likes, it's his life after all, but when he has time, he chooses to not spend it with me but with someone else... That thinking hurt me. It somehow made me feel... Cheated. It's a terrifying feeling. Usually, I would get tearing so quickly, but this time, my hands were shaking. My legs were shaking. My heart too was shaking. I was  really scared, scared to face him. My first thought was running away. The feeling of facing him and looking at the two of them together make me going crazy... And a bit sick. That's sound so wrong, but that was how I felt. I could not share with anyone my deep feeling because everyone of them has already warned me. My tears were about to overflow while I was taking a stroll, but I restraint from crying in public, cause I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I could barely breathe, felt like somebody were choking me. After a long walk, I went back to my friends and we went home. 

Then I realized even without my existence, he still lives a great life. I feel like he only comes to me when he needs me for a sexual experience. I enjoyed my time when I was with him. But now, look, he is not busy, and his phone has no problem, still he never text me. Not even when I texted him first. If he cares so much about me, he would have gone crazy like my mom said how my dad did for not being able to contact my mom, when they were still in love. He has never been like that, at least for all I've known. It has always been me, who went crazy when he never contact me. My existence has never seem like a big deal to him, at least that's how I felt. When I was sick, he never knew, he did not even replied to my texts. When I called, unless it was a planned call, he wouldn't pick up the phone. What's that all about? Does he even respect me? Or I seem too easy to toy with? He said to me that "I would never hurt you", well unfortunately, you already did. Not once, not twice but constantly. I don't care about money, yes. I only care about him, because I feel like I can trust him and that I would feel safe, loved and respected when I am with him. May be, I was wrong. What would he do, if I vanished from his life? I guess if he care enough, he can easily find me. It's just that does he really cares?

I am a fool

I guess God gave me too much. He gave me a wonderful family, who would never abuse me or betray me, but always love me. He gave me a normal appearance, physically, i was born safe and full, with all body parts in place. I don't have to live in poverty and darkness, suffering the harshness of life. My parents never forbidden me to be myself and they always give me choices. I am not useless, i have abilities that some other might not be able to do. I have friends, I am being love by others. I live in peace. I have almost everything I could ask for.

May be that's why it's fair to take things away from me. I could not ask for everything. I always picked the wrong guys, who would never actually care about whatever I have to say. They don't even respect me. They should not stay in my mind. And I should know who to love...

I am a fool and a coward. I could not face the reality. When i have to face it, i push it away, hide it deep into my heart, put on a fake smile and say to everyone, "I am fine" "I am over with him". I hate keeping everything for myself. I want to tell everyone I care, how hurt and lonely I am. I need their hug and comfort. I want my mom to sit next to me, tell me that you gonna be okay. But i don't dare to tell her. I don't want her to worry abt me. I don't want people to feel that I am pathetic. I am a fool for sure. Cause I always blinded and bring myself into troubles...

Managed to talk for a little...

Well, my plan was originally ask my crush if he was the one who told Eric that I like him or not. I even managed to meet him in the library, but it was unexpectedly packed with my classmates, and furthermore, boys. I pulled Yilin and Annie over to the area and we did our homework. I was sitting next to him but... I could not even say a word to him. :( I'm pathetic :( I wanted to talk to him so bad, but no words came out from my mouth. However, just before ESL started, he started a conversation with me. Even when it was just a small little talk, I felt like my life was blessed :3 I like how he talks so naturally, and relax. I like his smile, like it's glowing.

Dream diary: Day 1

Yesterday, I had a strange dream. I dreamt of a tsunami, coming straight fron shore towards our house. But we did not run, our house could still stand because of thick layer of glasses. Water keep rising but we are still safe. Then, I was told to go out and collect the blood drop lying in the coming water flow, and I did. I girl appeared and retrieve the blood drop from me, we were told to collect all of the1 mystic ruins and the scene changed. I went to three different places and I kept encountering my crush, however i did not approach him. Then the third time we saw each other, I heard his friend said, "there she is!" In a teasing tone. May be because I am too fond about him and obsessed about if we could ever share mutual love or not. Well, then there was this library or bookstore that hide some magical books, that it started to glow and some words appear, if you follow its instruction, you will enter the book... Well then some little small thing like we cannot die, even when a boy, who was forbidden to bully other got into a fight with my friend and I and he pushed her into the water, which cause no harm to her at all, then he managed to get into trouble. That's it, my dream is always so complicated, especially when I turn my pillow around, and sleep on the opposite side of the bed.

Same color scheme :3

There were so many things happened recently, but I will retell them in another post :3

Well, to be quick, there is a person that I'm interested in recently. He is kinda cute (and interesting) to what I think. He also has an identical mole as me on the cheek. He looks pretty cute in his glasses and his smile (*´∀｀*) 

Well today, we accidentally wear the same colour scheme outfit, dark blue-purpleish jacket, black clothes inside. I did not notice it until he sat next to J to check his work. ( ﾟдﾟ )(*´ω｀*)

I looked at him more today...

I think life is getting more interesting.

Which one is the right choice?

Since I was small, I always thought I'm the luckiest child in the whole world since my parents had never opposed my dreams and future career. They always supported me until now. However, Mom seems to be disappointed about me wanting to join the Game developing career, and even wanted to take an Academy instead of the famous University. May be it's because she wants me to be the smart little daughter that she can feel proud. But then, what's wrong with being a game designer? Is it that unrealistic? My mom asked, "Then where's will you work? Japan? Or Europe?"

Well in most of the case, she would never want me to leave Vietnam, but my goal had always been working outside of the country to learn good things that our people don't have and bring them back home. I want to go to Italy and Japan so bad T^T I want to work for a big game developer like Koei or Capcom.

However if all of them do not come to a good result, I will get to my second choice, being an interior designer. That's what my mom shouldn't be worrying about. Since my game design course won't take long so I will take two courses, Game Design and Interior design.

Well, if not then, I will have to work my way up in a coffee shop or a bar :)) Either way is still fun.

Visa IS here!

Oh Yeah~ now that's what we're talking about. We got the visa, we sent the application for the rental and yeah! Sydney, just wait for me baby, 1 more week to go :3 Let's start packing, get ready 'cause we are heading to our new home, new school and new life.

Awesome! @o@

Can't wait to put my hands on decorating my new room and house, especially, my new room. Paint it! Add furniture! Get books. And books. AND BOOKS! Omg, i can't wait anymore.

Oh, i forgot one thing, before i fly to my new life I'm going to be the guest for 2 schools' Halloween events. A Hunted race and a costume party. Cool! Can't wait for that as well. I am going to dress up as a dead artist, wooh~ CREEPY! I hope no real ghost will jump out at me when I am trying to scare the crap out of somebody. :3

Yeah~ Anyway, happy early Halloween @#$%&*?